cruel indignity

        awakened some minutes before way too early
        muted moaning escalating to pitiful whining
        then a sudden yelp or insistent bark

        is it a cry of pain or frustration
        an urgent plea for help or an evocation of despair
        I don’t know and maybe he doesn’t either

        leveraging myself from the bed
        I leverage him, hoisting heavy and trembling body
        to stand over legs now all too unreliable

cruel indignity

        he staggers forward, stopping and starting
        sometimes just standing, as if lost
        not knowing or not caring what to do next

        trundling, stumbling, crumbling over the threshold
        he saunters round the corner of the porch to leave his refuse there
        unwilling and unable to descend the few steps into the snowy yard

        sometimes he doesn’t make it that far
        raising himself, somehow, in the night
        to urinate or defecate within the house that is called by his name

cruel indignity

        beautiful thick coat now bedraggled and smelly
        listless and laggard now at his brother’s invitations to play
        body collapsing, legs splaying, beside his supper bowl

        sleeping most of the night and the day, peacefully enough
        but restless and demanding when awake
        out and in, up and down, unable to be satisfied

        endearing, affectionate companion now provoking irritation
        his disrupted life disrupting mine
        our being together, once a consummate blessing, now an ordeal

cruel indignity … and heartbreaking ending

        just this morning, a sudden turn for the worse
        out once in early morning, but now struggling futilely to rise
        spirit willing but flesh weak and broken beyond repair

        I put my hands under his chest and lift, in vain
        body uncentered, wholly off balance, legs limp and useless
        I carry him outside and he poops as I hold him

        I lay him on his bed and stroke his muzzle
        and in the midst of the struggle and the sadness and the losing
        there is a moment of peace and of deep gratitude

goodbye, Stoney Bear